She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
