Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
