My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
