Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
