just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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