I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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