you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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