Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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