6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize