did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
