I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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