I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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