dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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