I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
