Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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