so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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