Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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