you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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