Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
