You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
please come you make the beer taste better
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
