I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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