Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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