tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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