my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
