I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
