I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Damn victory sex feels great
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
