Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
