The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize