Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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