my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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