Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
