I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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