he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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