Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
