i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
