i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
