i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
