I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
