I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
