oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
