thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Text me some of your sweat
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
