Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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