Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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