Don't you send me to vm
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
