Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
