Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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