I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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