her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
