He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I believe in your delicious
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
