I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
