break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
