I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
