What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
