I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize