I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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