is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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