If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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