Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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