wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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